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"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said
the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman
rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider
yourself an idiot?"
inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the
student, "but I hate to see
you standing up there all by yourself."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to
get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and
out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.
Peter says 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
When my husband and I
arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced
to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already
got that side."
After dying in an accident, three friends go to
Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same
question: "When you are in your casket, and friends
and family are mourning over you, what would you like
to hear them say about you?"
The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to
hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of
my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was
a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a
huge difference in the children of tomorrow."
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I guess
I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!"
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Why's that?
My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it.
*
Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me something to
keep it in?
Certainly - how about a paper bag?
*
Doctor, doctor, people keep ignoring me.
Next, please!
*
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull yourself together!
*
Doctor, doctor, I feel like a bridge.
What's come over you?
Two cars and a bus!
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.
Sit there and don't stir.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Get back in the queue.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me.
One at a time, please.
*
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you.
I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture.
Doctor:
"Take the green pill with a glass of water
when you get up. Take the blue pill with 2 glasses
of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed,
take the red pill with another glass of water."
Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"
Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."
The
Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where
Mr. Smith made it clear that he didn't want to spend
a lot of money.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles
or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it
over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said
the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Smith turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, honey!"
A
woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by
one of the new doctors.
But
after about 4 minutes in the examination room,
she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked
her what the
problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit
down and relax in another room.
The
older doctor marched back to the first and
demanded, 'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry
is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven
grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT??
The new doctor smiled smugly as he
continued to write
on his clipboard. 'Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
A
motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him
that all was well.
However,
the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the
hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be second surgery
the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy
to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at
what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped
firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips
of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in
large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well
quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
While
working for an organization that delivers lunches
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter
on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by
the various necessary appliances, particularly the canes,
walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I
found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking
in a glass.
As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, The tooth fairy will never
believe this!"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began
putting
away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and
spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The
box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm
looking for the seal."
I was at the airport, checking in
at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your
baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin,
the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime.
She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us from E-mail.
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say",the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say", the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
There was
a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family
Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there
anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the
Ten Commandments." Answered the lady.
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just
before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly,
but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant
motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the
young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if
everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long
trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same
in my business."
After church, a Mom asked her very young daughter
what the lesson was about. The daughter answered,
"Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the
Pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that
morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not
afraid, thy comforter is coming."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes
up that reads,
" Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he
gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out
of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "Nah, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."
It was mealtime during a flight
on American Airlines.
“Would you like dinner?" the
flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A young girl who was blown out to
sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".(The Times)
My
sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if
she gets trapped.
She
keeps it in the trunk.
I
couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost
luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled
and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in
good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"
While working at a pizza parlor
I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the
cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it
for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
ATTORNEY:
What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on
my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
have been alive and
practicing law.
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of
traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous,
so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One
time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave
a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to
her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?" The
lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible." He said, "Well, what about that
guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe
that, it is in the Bible." He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all
that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess
when I get to heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't in heaven?" the man
asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay
there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on
the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side.
Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did
this needs help!"
A man telephoned a church
and the secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line
said, "I’d like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn’t a
very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones." The man
replied, "I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate $75,000.00 to the church.
The secretary replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat
pig just walked in."
The story is told of the
Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher
has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I
believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's
it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his
assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life!
Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it,
the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax,
"I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When
I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God
for that" replies the preacher!
After a very long and boring
sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher.
Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the
sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!"
The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my
preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God
because it passed all understanding, and the Love of God because it endured
forever!"
One day a
mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, "does
your dog bite?" "No," replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.
The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!" "He doesn't," replied the
boy, "that's not my dog!"
Reaching the end of a job
interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out
of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said,
"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The
interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14
paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50%
of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The
Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer
replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone
through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the
motorist said. "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!' "Why not" said the
officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the
same." "But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP."
"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then
pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing!" yells
the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the
officer.
A redneck
walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in
one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is
suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back and says, "This
chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the
redneck asks, "What's that noise?”
The following question
and answer was collected from last year's Geography GCSE exam results in
Swindon, Wiltshire.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
An
expedition kayaker gets lost in a chain of deserted islands. Paddling well after
sunset he finally camps on a sandy beach. He wakes up and notices the sand is
dark red. The sky is dark red. He walks around and sees that there is dark red
grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees.
He's
shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!" he says, "I've been marooned!"
A lovesick kayaker wrote to
a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate
and would not accept anyone that doesn't meet his standards. He went on to
explain the young lady must be cute, short, enjoys cold water and paddling.
He received a reply the
following week. It contained a picture of a penguin.
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered
that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for
that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
There was
this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to
a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he
stopped going to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask “what’s
the matter, don’t you like me or something?” The doctor said, "No, its your
ducks at the entrance...every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!"
He finally
invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually deaf. It was one of those
invisible hearing aids.
"Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
"I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn't know
existed."
"Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
"Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great time! I've
changed my will three times in the last two months."
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you
idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
A man goes
to the hospital and says to the doctor: "It hurts when I press here" (pressing
his side) "And when I press here" (pressing the other side) "And here" (his leg)
"And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms) So the doctor examined
him all over and finally said... "You've got a broken finger!"
Doctor
Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
…..Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!
Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?
Stick your foot out and trip it up!
A hungry
lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across
two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away
on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and
devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers
cramp
In an
office:
WOULD THE
PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS
WILL BE TAKEN.
In an
office:
AFTER TEA
BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a
secondhand shop:
WE
EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE
ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Bumper
stickers.....
Circular
Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Air Pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
Allow me to introduce my selves
Better living through denial
I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant
and order the "Chicken
Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before
the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her
husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it
and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around
before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains
what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah! So solly," says the waiter apologising, "I bring you
Peeking Duck!"
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it
normal.
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition $1,000
or best offer
No longer needed, got
married last month.
Wife knows everything
James (age 4), was listening to a Bible story. His dad
read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city
but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
(word tricks…..)
A
bicycle can't stand alone, it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies
like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that
counts, in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road, poultry in
motion.
With her marriage she got a new name and
a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine
shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery
machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in
France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you
can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't
find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Those who get too big for their britches
will be exposed in the end.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are
in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray
hair, she thought she'd dye.
Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer
the agony of de feet.
(A student’s unique maths exam answer)
A police recruit was asked
during the exam, "What would you do if
you had to arrest your
own mother?" He answered,
"Call for backup."
At Sunday School they were
teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little
Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him
how Eve was created out of one
of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother
noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the
matter?" Little Johnny
responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."
BIBLE JOKES
Q.
What kind of man was Boaz before he
married Ruth?
A.
Ruthless
Q. Who was the greatest
financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his
stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Which area of Palestine was
especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The
banks were always overflowing.
Q. Why didn't they play cards
on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing
on the deck. ( Groan ...)
A
passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on
the shoulder. The driver
screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and
stopped just inches
from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking
driver said, "I'm sorry,
but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a
mere tap on the
shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my
first day driving a cab. I've
been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"
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