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This is a compilation of actual student's
answers
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They
lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is
such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw
the java.
Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to
them.
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Musician Jokes
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead
A pastor was was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"
As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs. He prays "Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!! "You don't have to shout dear", says the mother "God's not deaf." "I know" said the little boy, "but grandma is."
Have you heard about the new shampoo for men who are going bald, called "What's the Point?"
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows. The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion. "You see that?" he said to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows. "And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?" "Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.
Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.
Did you hear NASA wanted to study the effects of the moon on an aging
individual, so they decided to resend Armstrong. Unfortunately, they canceled
this because they were afraid the first words from the moon in 30 years would
be:
"Houston? I have fallen, and I can't get up."
What are alien's favorite sweets?
Martian-mallows!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for
granted. But if we explore its paradox e s, we find that quicksand can work
slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor
is it a pig.
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian
eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English
speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what
language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and
send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
According to a news report, a certain
private school in
Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number
of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of
little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the
next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be
done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them
there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these
lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian
who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just
imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how
much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there
have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
A Glasgow senior citizen drove his brand
new BMW convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he
floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had
left. 'Amazing!' he thought as he flew along the M8, enjoying pushing the pedal
to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car
behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can get away from him -
no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph, then
130mph, then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too
old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited 10
minutes for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the
police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch
and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off
for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've
never heard before, I'll let you go.' The man looked very seriously at the
policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought
you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
TEACHER: Jennifer, go to the map and find North America.
Jennifer: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Jennifer
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula
for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting
with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'