After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you see to it?'
'Well,' he said, 'I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.'
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than children because they:
1. Eat less.
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
Inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting
"How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St.Peter says...
'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
After dying in an accident, three friends go to
"When you are in your casket, and friends
The first guy immediately responds,
"I would like to
hear them say that I was one of the great
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was
The last guy thinks a minute and replies,
"I guess I'd like to hear them say...
look, he's moving!"
Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain.
Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water
Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"
Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."
The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles
I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said
Mr. Smith turned to his wife...
"Show him your tooth, honey!"
A woman went to a doctors' office and was seen by one of the new doctors. But after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and when she explained, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded....
'What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT??'
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't I?"
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest.
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various necessary appliances, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"the tooth fairy will never believe this!"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked.....
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?
She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us from E-mail".
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say", the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say", the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
After church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they’re dead."
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "Nah, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
“Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.
A coast guard spokesman commented...
"This sort of thing is all too common" (The Times)
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed
She keeps it in the trunk.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He thought about it for some time before responding...
"Just cut it into 4 pieces, I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of travelling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?
"She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London.
A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side.
Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side.
Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said...
"Whoever did this needs help!"
A man telephoned a church and the secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said...
"I’d like to speak to the head hog."
The secretary replied, "That wasn’t a very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones."
The man replied, "I’d like to speak to the head hog, because I’m going to donate $75,000.00 to the church".
The secretary replied....
"Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."
The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher.
"Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!"
The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing".
He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!"
"Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher.
Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.
"Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love
The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding, and the Love of God, because it endured forever!"
One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?"
"No," replied the boy.
Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.
The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"
"He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT,
"What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said...
"Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!"
"Why not" said the officer.
"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same."
"But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP."
"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist.
The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist.
"What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise.
"Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.
A redneck walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The red neck is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the redneck asks,
"What's that noise?”
The following question and answer was collected from last year's Geography GCSE exam results in Swindon, Wiltshire.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
An expedition kayaker gets lost in a chain of deserted islands. Paddling well after sunset he finally camps on a sandy beach. He wakes up and notices the sand is dark red. The sky is dark red. He walks around and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees.
He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.
"Oh no!" he says, "I've been marooned!"
A lovesick kayaker wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone that doesn't meet his standards.
He went on to explain the young lady must be cute, short, enjoys cold water and paddling. He received a reply the following week.
It contained a picture of a penguin.
A little boy was taken to the dentist.
It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
Asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?"
"Chocolate please," replied the youngster.
There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there.
After a few house calls he stopped going to the farm.
The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask “what’s the matter, don’t you like me or something?”
The doctor said, "No, its your ducks at the entrance...every time I enter the farm, they verbally insult me!"
An elderly man finally invested in a hearing aid after becoming virtually deaf. It was one of those invisible hearing aids.
"Well, how do you like your new hearing aid?" asked his doctor.
"I like it great. I've heard sounds in the last few weeks that I didn't know existed."
"Well, how does your family like your hearing aid?"
"Oh, nobody in my family knows I have it yet. Am I having a great time! I've changed my will three times in the last two months."
A man speaks frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
A man goes to the hospital and says to the doctor:
"It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
"And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
"And here" (his leg) "And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms).
So the doctor examined him all over and finally said...
"You've got a broken finger!"
Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp!
In an office:
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah! So solly," says the waiter apologising...
"I bring you Peeking Duck!"
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird, people take Prozac to make it normal.
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
James (age 4), was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
(A student’s unique maths exam answer)
A police recruit was asked during the exam,
"What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said...
"Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded...
"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"
A wife and her husband were trying to sleep, but the next door neighbour's dog was barking. This had been going on for months.
Every night, the dog barked for hours, robbing them of sleep.
Finally, the husband says, "I've had enough. I'm going to do something about this."
So he gets up, puts on his robe and goes down stairs and out the back door.
A little while later, he comes back.
"What did you do? The dog's still barking," asks the wife.
"I put their dog in our back yard. Let's see how they like it."
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Here is is how other kids of every age have answered that
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles.
Three days a week is best.
Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.
What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
"You may have graduated but I've got more degrees".
"Oh, boy! I'm glad you're here," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side.
"Why?" she asked.
"Because now Daddy will do the trick he's been promising us."
"Well, he told Mommy that if you came to visit, he would climb the walls."
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother covered her face in cold cream.
"Why do you do that?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful."
When she began to rub it off, the boy asked..
"Why are you doing that? Did you give up?"
A little boy asked his grandmother how old she was.
"39 and holding," she replied.
"Well, then, how old would you be if you let go?"
In South America, they have cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters haven't been discovered yet. Finding them all means living forever.
Someday we may learn how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
A vibration is a motion that can't make up its mind which way it wants to go.
You can listen to the thunder after seeing lightening and tell how close you came.
If people run around and around in circles we say that they are crazy. When planets do the same thing, we say they are orbiting.
Why did the music teacher get locked out of the classroom?
Q. What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall
I was given the ultimatum 3 weeks ago. She said "it's me or your
One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the
ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are
no fish down there."
No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day...
Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.
The game warden told him that this was illegal. The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "are you going to fish or talk?"
A young priest arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to
helping the other priests in copying the old canons and laws of
the church by hand.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
The 1st week the father asked him what he had learned.
The son said "On my 1st lesson we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came and after the lesson the father asked what had he learned that week.
The son said "On my 2nd lesson I learned about the A string."
The 3rd week came by and the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said "It's ok. I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going
meet a young girl.
What did Cinderella say when she went to pick up her Photo's but
they weren't ready?
Marriage is a three ring circus:
Why are Pirates Pirates?
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a... super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Your house is so dirty, when I walk outside I have to wipe my feet.
No matter how hard you try, you cannot baptize a cat.
"I hope I'm not poisonous," says the first snake.
"Why?" asks the second snake.
"Because I just bit my lip."
"Hey buddy...the horse you backed turned in the barriers and is running in the wrong direction."
"No probs...I've backed it each way!"
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied...
'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said,
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a
speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there
before she forgot where she was going?
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
One of them looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
Many years ago I bought a new three piece suit. Thinking I might be able to do someone a favour, I put the old one outside with a sign on it...
"Free to anyone who can take it away".
Not long after, a ring comes on my door, & there stands a little man..
"About your 3 piece suite," he said, "can you deliver it?"
"No," I replied," I don't have a vehicle."
"Oh," says the little man...
"Unfortunately I can't afford to pay you for the suit, but I could pay for the delivery."
A mate and I were eating lunch in a restaurant when we overheard a woman at the next table talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive up the coast.
She was saying she drove a convertible and a girl sitting across from her said,
"How did you get sunburned? Wasn't the car moving?"
A US Army General walks into the Oval Office and says to the president...
"Sir, a Brazillian was killed in Iraq today. Is there anything you'd like me to do".
"Heck General" says the President, "A Brazillion...how many actually is that?"
I was hanging out with a mate when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to her ear ring by a chain. My mate said...
"Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turns her head?"
I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart whether their head is turned or not.
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said...
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a set of weighing scales.
And then the fight started.
What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one'?
''Better get a bikini,' hubby replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care."
Did you ever notice how when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window."
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!"
Lawyer: "You're right -- mine."
Television is called a medium because so little of it is either rare or well done!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?