A Sunday school teacher said to her children,
" We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times.
But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out...
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted...
"My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly,
"and she turned into a telephone pole!"
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
The old lady replied, "No peer pressure."
I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says...
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked...
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker said...
"hardly worth going home is it?"
This bloke goes into a cemetery to pay his respects to a departed friend. He notices a couple of young guys running to and fro to all parts of the cemetery, shouting to each other and waving their arms around and pointing.
Finally, he has to say something so he approaches one of them and asks...
“Why are you guys carrying on so, running around everywhere”.
The young man replied, “Don’t worry sir, we work here. It’s just an extremely busy day”.
“Oh, that’s a relief” the man says, “I thought you’d lost the plot”.
This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.
When I asked if they could be more specific, the pleasant gentleman asked...
"Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working.
He also requested that we report future problems by email.
I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched!
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the "Deer Crossing" sign on our road.
"too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore".
There was a painter by the name of Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin his paint to make it go further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Town Council decided to do a big restoration job that involved the painting of one of its biggest Churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
He went about erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with the turpentine. Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away with the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.
The torrential rain washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off the scaffold and on to the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he went to the Church Elders and confessed his wrong doing and asked.
"Gentlemen, what shall I do to make things right"
They looked at him sternly and said.......
Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!
Jimmy boy was driving along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over.
"What's wrong, officer Shamus?" Jimmy boy asked.
"Well didn't ya know, Jimmy boy, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said officer Shamus.
"Ah, thanks be to God!" Jimmy replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said...
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked...
"How will that help?"
A three-year old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.
"How did you know the girls from the boys?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's written on the bottom".
Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself.
His mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot.
"Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said...
"Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
Judge: Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give your wife $775.00 a week."
Husband: "That's fair enough your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said gleefully.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically...
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said...
'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly'.
'The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled...
'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
Three old guys are out walking.
A man was telling his neighbor...
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said...
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said Doc, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, you've got a heart murmur, be careful.'
There once was a fellow from Yuma.
A news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained...
'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber band!
Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm an electric eel
Definitions Not Found in the Dictionary.....
Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says...
"I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my nose."
"Don't you start."
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me...
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour ........
Q: I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you
send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and
Hervey Bay ? (UK)
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all
year round? (Germany)
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
Dispense rattlesnake serum.(USA)
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
Mary received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was fully grown with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was a curse: those that weren't curses were to say the least, rude.
Mary tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite things, and playing soft music...anything she could think of. Nothing worked. She yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. She shook the bird and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally in a moment of desperation, Mary put the parrot in the freezer to get a minute of peace.
For a few moments she heard the bird swearing, squawking kicking and screaming and then, suddenly there was absolute quiet. Mary was frightened that she might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Mary's extended arm and said...
"I'm very sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavour to correct my behaviour and I am sure it will never happen again."
Mary was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued...
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to a cafe to have a coffee. So he asked the pet...
"Would you like to go to Sam's cafe with me and have a coffee?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again...
"How about going out to Sam's cafe and having a coffee with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting...
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go for a coffee with me?"
A little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks...
"What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says,
"Whoa! I had that done when I was born, and I couldn't walk for a year!"
Why did they bury the lawyer 20 feet in the earth?
Three boys were bragging about their fathers.
The first one said,
"My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow."
The second one said,
"That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"
The third boy just smiled and said,
"That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"
If your dog was barking at the back door and your wife was knocking on the front door, who would you let in first?
The dog. At least he would shut up once he's in.
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said:
"Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it and I should turn red in the face."
"Yes, sir," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in an ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A class member shouted,
"Cause your feet aren't empty."
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep.
As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running on the spot.
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered... "8:15!"
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window from another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!" the man answered.
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying...
"I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep.
He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Yes!" he yelled, now really angry.
A trembling voice said..... "It's 8:45"
A police officer had just pulled a car over. When he walked up to the car a man rolled down the window and said,
"what's the problem officer?"
To which the policeman responded, "I stopped you for running that red light behind you."
Just then the man's wife leaned forward from the driver's seat and said with a very loud voice,
"I told him to stop at that light. But did he listen? No. He just kept right on going."
The man then turned to his wife and yelled, "Shut up stupid!"
The policeman continued, "And just before the light I clocked you doing 50 m.p.h. and the speed limit is only 30."
His wife then leaned forward again and squawked "I told him to slow down. But did he listen to me. No! He never listens to me."
And again the man shouted at his wife "Listen stupid, I told you to SHUT UP!"
The policeman then looked at the woman and said "does he always talk to you this way"?
To which the woman responded, "Only when he's been drinking."
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. Yippee, I won the lottery!"
The husband says, "Oh! Wow! Fantastic! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
The wife yells back, "I couldn't care less... just get out!"
From A Not Too Bright Mother With Love
Dear Child, I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen it since.
The weather isn't too bad here. It only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS..... I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
THE LAWS OF LIFE
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money, ...fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says...
"Let's get outta here."
A man feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,
'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her.
'Peg, what's for dinner?'
'Frank, for the FIFTH time dear, CHICKEN!'
English Signs in foreign countries to make you laugh
Some people bring happiness wherever they go.
You bring happiness whenever you go.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
click HERE for 'not so funny' stuff
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