This is a compilation of actual student's answers
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of
the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
A pastor was was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out.
She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady,
"I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."
Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest.
One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank."
The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!"
The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"
As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs.
He prays "Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!!
"You don't have to shout dear", says the mother "God's not deaf."
"I know" said the little boy, "but grandma is."
Have you heard about the new shampoo for men who are going bald..
It's called "What's the Point?"
An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows.
The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.
"You see that?" he said to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows.
"And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"
"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.
Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough."
Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!"
As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said,
"Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?"
"I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.
Did you hear NASA wanted to study the effects of the moon on an aging individual, so they decided to resend Armstrong.
Unfortunately, they canceled this because they were afraid the first words from the moon in 30 years would be:
"Houston? I have fallen, and I can't get up."
What are alien's favorite sweets?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple or pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that...
quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
A Glasgow senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing!' he thought as he flew along the M8, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph, then 130mph, then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!'
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited 10 minutes for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'
The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
TEACHER: Jennifer, go to the map and find North
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
IF TOMMY COOPER WAS ALIVE TODAY.....
I met this bloke with a didgeridooand he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
The Importance of Walking
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:
'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
'Disregard,' he says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight started.....
Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful.
After the surgery I found another note on myself .”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????”
A man died and went to Heaven's gates. An angel said to him....
“We’ve looked over your life, and we’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything good you did that might help us make a decision?”
The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied...
“Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”
“Wow that’s impressive. When did this happen?” said the angel.
“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
You are dark and handsome. When it’s dark, you are handsome.
You are not totally useless.
" I SOUPORT PUBLIK EDEKASION "
Man – Is this seat next to you empty?
Question... What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the
Two Irish men were working for the city
public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow
behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street,
then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously
all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
A lady came in for a routine physical at the Doctor’s office.
Always remember.... you’re unique....
just like everyone else.
A housewife called up a pet store and said, “Send me a thousand
cockroaches at once!”
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